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On Relationships...

Yesterday I got roped into helping my friend go ahead and move some of her stuff into her new apartment. They weren't supposed to do anything until today, but the office informed them that they could go ahead yesterday, and since it's the same complex, she wanted to get as much as she could done so she could finish packing the rest.

That's basically what I've been doing all day today as well, helping move and watching her baby while she and her husband and my nephew moved stuff. But that's not really what I wanted to write down.

See, yesterday while we were unpacking a few things so they'd be out of the way for moving more stuff in today, I was playing with the baby, my mom was out smoking her stupid cigs--on which I will rant another day--and she decided to run through all the voice mail messages on their cell phone. Her husband works in another city, and so they got it just in case the car broke down, and he never checks the voice mail.

Anyway, there were several from his friend and former boss--who had got him a job as an assistant manager at this other store--just silly little messages that we both giggled over. Then, about halfway through there was this one from some girl named Shelly or Sheryl or something like that.

My friend replayed the message twice, but we couldn't quite understand it, and she shrugged it off, thinking it was possibly one of his employees. He oversees the night stockers at the store, and several of them are non-english speaking, or don't speak it very well. Then, the next two messages were from the same person, and while we still couldn't figure out the name, she kept asking my friend's husband why he hadn't called her back.

Again, it was probably just an employee who needed help, but the guy's attitude these last few weeks has been odd. He always goes in early, and then says he works over so that he can get some more money, and doesn't want to do anything around the house because he's too tired, which is understandable.

However, he's been telling my friend that she doesn't do anything, that nothing ever gets done, when she takes care of the baby (a full time job in itself with an eighteen month old who has just discovered that he has the ability to climb things), tries to keep the house clean, and works part time--her husband won't let her quit. And, just this past week she's had an upper respiratory infection and has had to pretty much do all the packing of their apartment, while working and taking care of the baby etc. He told her to suck it up, that if he can work fifty hours a week, she can do the measly job of taking care of the kid and house.

He's always had something of an attitude like this, but has always helped out when he realized she wasn't feeling good, because he knew that it really was hard work. So, after hearing those messages, it kinda makes me wonder...

She asked me what she should do, and I told her I didn't know, because I'm really not a relationship expert.

See, she started going out with him right after a nasty relationship with a truly psychotic individual, who enjoyed playing mind games with women, loved torturing them. She was only seventeen at the time. Then, when she got pregnant (totally by accident, she was a couple of weeks late taking the birth control shot, and while it was only a very small percentage that she should get pregnant...it happened anyway), I think she felt that she had to marry him because he was the baby's dad, and that he felt he had to marry her for the same reason.

They do love each other but...I think maybe she could have had a better life if she had waited before jumping into another relationship. If she had found someone who she could talk to, who wouldn't dismiss her words just because she was female and he was male and therefore they'd never understand each other.

I was going to come home last night and write this out, because I was genuinely upset at the time. However, I took my mom home and decided to go back so I could help her out with more packing while her husband went to work. While we were watching tv and taking a break, she asked me if I ever wished I had a boyfriend, and that started us talking on the whole subject, making me feel a lot better about her situtaion anyway.

I never really answered her last night, because the truth is, I don't know. I mean, I suppose I'd like someone to turn to, someone to be with and yet...after watching the relationships my family and friends have had, and knowing myself, it makes me leery.

My oldest sister (Calling her K for the purposes of this journal)got pregnant and ran away from an abusive boyfriend, only to take up with another one who was worse, and yet who raised her kid like he was his own. He turned out to be bisexual and was cheating on her with another man...ever since their divorce five years ago, she's got back together with him once--only in a living together capacity--and has had like fifty different guy friends, some of whom could actually be termed boyfriend. And all of them have similar personalities to both her previous loves.

Until now...when she finds a really good guy--who isn't perfect, but who is? And she keeps trying to get him to act like them, kicks him out of the house, yells at him, is extremely verbally abusive, but he won't. And that makes her as unhappy as she was with the others.

Then there's my next oldest sister, L. She's eleven years older than I am, and I remember looking up to her when I was younger. She graduated high school--the first in our family to do so--and would have gone to college except for some things--that will probably be used for a later rant if I remember :)--but the point is, she seemed to be better off with her life than K.

When my parents got divorced, she was forever helping out me and my younger brother, taking us to do things and just being there. I now realize she was just trying to prove she was a better parental figure than my mom whom she's always hated because she let my dad abuse them...or something like that.

She waited until she was married, at twenty six, to have kids...and then everything went downhill. She kicked her husband out of their trailer because he was laid off, then claimed he raped her and that's how she got pregnant with their second kid. Five years later, she cheats on him with another woman, says its because he beats her, and divorces him, putting the kids lives into an upheaval (It's a much more complicated story than that, but I don't know if I can go through it again, considering she put me in the middle of most of it).

She goes through the first year, being unhappy because her girlfriend can't move right away and because she doesn't have custody of the kids. Then, her girlfriend moves down, and she's just unhappy because she doesn't have custody of the kids. So she quits her new job that she got--so she could get custody of the kids--because she's all depressed. Then, they move to where the kids are at--so she can get custody--and is unhappy because...I don't know why. She's always finding something to be unhappy about. The last thing I think was because D (her girlfriend) wasn't being supportive enough of her quitting smoking. (Never mind that D had been the one to suggest she quit, and who was paying for basically everything because she's the only one with a job)

My brother (who is very much like L) recently got a girl pregnant...and while he's very excited about being a daddy, he's got this weird attitude. She's got epilepsy, and he won't let her go and do anything whatsoever--especially now that she's further along in the pregnancy--unless it's getting him something. Like, he orders her to go fix him dinner, or a glass of tea, or clean the room...etc. They've moved to where her family is at in Louisiana now, so I don't have to listen to them squabble..

And, I've already mentioned that my parents are divorced--and my dad was actually my mom's second husband (her first being K's dad).

So, I don't exactly have much to look up to.

Plus, I'm not good at speaking with people when I'm not hiding behind a computer screen. It's much easier to give a response when you've got time to get over that first knee jerk reaction of "You bastard..." etc... and you can formulate some coherancey. When I talk, my brain jumps ahead of my mouth, and I just can't get what I want to say out in the right manner.

I can also talk to total strangers easier than I can someone I care about, because I don't have to worry about my words getting put back on me. I can vent without offending someone--well, relatively speaking...sometimes just what I say can offend :)

I think I'll just stick with Radek. He's cute and sweet, and at the end of the day he isn't real so I don't have to worry about whether his feelings are hurt or not. Or if I've done something wrong, said the wrong thing...

M.A.

Who has rambled on quite enough..

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
missyvortexdv
Mar. 8th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
Wow, complicated would be an understament for your family.
I have to say most of the people I knew at school, their parents were divorced and it seemed odd mine weren't.

Nowadays my friends are pretty much all single but seem to want to be with some one- possibly being slightly envious of Henry and I - though relationships aren't easy (luckily most of my problems relate to gettting pissed of at unequal division of house work, which is pretty trivial compared to what could be).

I guess it doesn't work out right half the time but people will want to try usually because it's companionship that it missed most - to have some one there for you, but really if you have good friends then it shouldn't matter too much - only it tends to. guess its that people often want what they don't have and when they get it it isn't all they wanted, or imagined it to be.
Oh, sorry for the ramble.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )