murdocsangel (murdocsangel) wrote,
murdocsangel
murdocsangel

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Ambitions...

I've recently done some soul searching, trying to understand why I haven't been able to find a job in over six months, and came to the conclusion that I have no ambition.

There's plenty of motivation; money, something to do during the day (I've found that when my brain is stimulated I can write better) among other things that I can't quite put into words.

I have plenty of talent, I can write, draw, memorize the periodic table in record time (forgetting it about two months later, but hey, that's not the point) among other things. However, I don't have the will to make myself take at least one of those things I am decent at and excell at it.

I can sit here and weave fantasies of finally sitting down and writing an original short story good enough to send to a magazine, but until I actually write it, it probably won't get done. Why? For one thing, I have no interest in being 'the best', for writing 'the best darn book ever' or any of that other stuff. I write to write because I enjoy it.

The same thing goes with everything else.

I'd like to learn some languages besides French and English (and I can barely remember the French, a few phrases here and there), but not because I want to impress people with my knowledge. No, I want to learn, because it's fun for me to learn, to let my brain be a sponge.

I suppose I could find some career that will let me do that, but every time I sit at the computer to look it up, I let myself get distracted. Which leads me to believe that maybe it's not just that I have no ambition, but that I'm just lazy, plain and simple.

I have all these ideas, plans; and they'll remain just that, unrealized goals, because I don't have the strength of mind to persue them to any extent, always ready with an excuse as to why I can't do it, why it won't work.

M.A.
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